Monday, January 31, 2011

So that's how it's like

You wake up one day and figure something is not quite right. The pit of your stomach is deeper and further away from your center than it's physically possible. And then there are thoughts swirling around like bats - who are not blind. Next thing you know you lose a dog, then a father. And only too soon you realize you're about to lose your breasts.

They say the breast is the symbol of womanhood. They are an integral part of your self-image and sexuality and joy de vivre in some weird and true sense. But all I can feel is "take them out of me" right NOW. And all that's left for me is now. And the only place I could ever possibly be is here - even if that's the last place on earth I want to be. And if I run, I will take all my body parts with me. And, worse of all, my mind too. And if I stay, heck, then I'm HERE. So, the time is now and the place is here. I have no choice. And I'm glad I don't.

There's a cute little Buddhist story I like very much. Gil Fronsdal told it in his dreamy voice:
"Imagine an ocean. In that vastness of water there is a blind sea turtle swimming aimlessly.  There is also a floating log with a hole in it. The probability of that turtle sticking its head through that hole when it comes up for air is even bigger than the probability you will be born as a human being. That's how rare this human life is."

And that's how I feel. I have no grievance of my body yet. All I want is to come up for air and stick my little turtle head through that log, once again. 
To note a few thoughts that occurred to me, in no particular order, after I heard the diagnosis of Ductal Carcinoma In Situ (DCIS):
- what? fuck!
- it's Just-My-Breasts and not My-Eyes-Or-Another-Important-Part-Of-My-Body
- couldn't I keep my nipples, at least???
- they can rebuild (?!)
- i'd rather tattoo tulips and tree frogs than an areola
- why is everybody feeling sorry for me?
- i want everybody to feel something for me
- I want to live
- Meggin told me to write about it
- I want to live
- I want to live

And I still do. Very much so.

5 comments:

  1. Kick ass first blog. Feels good, hey?

    ReplyDelete
  2. i don't feel sorry for you. i'm aching with you. i wish i could say i'm aching every bit, but it wouldn't true - and that hurts even more.
    você sabe que tou com você o tempo todo, né? que bom poder te ler.
    um abraço daqueles.

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  3. I don't feel sorry. I LOVE YOU. period. The time is now. i wish I was there. every minute of it. just like that.
    I wanted to be braver, or feel less.
    i am scared. but i love you infinitely.
    i WANT YOU TO LIVE!
    Lets fight this and that and all else that come our way, i am WITH you 100% of 100%.
    Lets celebrate life. with tulips. frogs and dirty drys HERE, not there, very soon.
    Lets do that, because this fun is not, put me down you will.
    se a gente fosse cordinha, daria para ver um nózinho ber apertadinho nas nossas pontinhas. porque é o que a gente faz quando somos um fiapinho de familia.
    te amo

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  4. I feel... I feel sad because I wish I could be there for you... Hold your hand and say it out loud "EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT"! This is a big bump on the road, but it's NOT FINAL!!! It's just "maybe" a feedback. And there will be a beginning... a new beginning. A new you.
    We are here for you. Thinking of you ALWAYS!

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  5. dear restless suzi,
    logic says
    u shouldn't be restless now.
    life around u gone havoc,
    both effects restlessly tied,
    might reach nirvana.
    but life not logic,
    life just life.
    no logic a cell,
    no logic a virus,
    some logic many cells,
    many viruses,
    that make you.
    life just happens,
    inexorably,
    as u'll fight,
    as u'llive,
    as u'll come back,
    if u'll wish,
    let not
    one more leaf
    fall
    from tati's tree.
    rest assured,
    dear restless suzi.

    ReplyDelete